Bridesmaids

Lilah (Lady of Honor)

My name is Lilah. I am a wee, little brown person who enjoys feeding those I love.  I am the Lady of Honor, because I love Jenny & Jae–and Jenny & Jae love brown-people cooking.  And I adore Louieeee!  ONE LOVE… and the OXFORD COMMA!  Nuff said.

JoAnn

I first met Jaeson when I was his nurse and he was preparing to undergo bariatric surgery. We built a friendship during his recovery that’s lasted nearly twenty-seven years. These decades later, and Jaeson one-fourth the size he was when we met, I’m proud of the man-child he’s become. The very best thing he’s done over that period was propose to Jenny, because that bitch is sexy. Seriously. Like, no lie, I would hit that. I still might. There’s still time.

Tara

I got to meet Jenny on Jae and Jenny’s very first date. I would have warned her away from Jae, but they came and went in a blink of an eye and I could not lodge my protest in time.

Nicole

I am Nicole, and I am eccentric.  I fill my days with drawing cabinetry, arranging furniture and playing with tile and fabrics.  I spend my nights (not so gracefully) spinning, twirling, and leaping.  Sometimes I even do these activities with metal attached to the bottoms of my shoes.   Most weekends I spend my time with Jae and Jenny.  I’m not sure why I’m so drawn to these individuals, its actually pretty alarming; but I’m not complaining.  (its probably because they have really good ideas for adventures.  I like adventures.)

Groomsmen

Justin (Best Man)

What is a best man? Is he just a man? Is he the best man available for the job? What is he best at? Is he a man armed with incriminating photographs and video? The answer to all of these questions, of course, is yes.

The Jaeson/Justin partnership is one as old as time and as frought with strife as has ever been seen in the annals of man. And by “old as time,” we mean “30ish years” and by “frought with strife” we mean “erotic.”

Together there are few things these two dashing rapscallions haven’t blown up (literally), songs they haven’t ruined via karaoke, or body parts that haven’t made contact.

Whether mining for coal, skateboarding down hills in sealed cardboard boxes, or performing pyrotechnic wizardry, these award-winning filmmakers/radio pioneers have ended every adventure with an intimate massage and full release.

Having known Jaeson for 30 of his 32 years on this planet, Justin knows quite well the insanity of what Jenny is legally agreeing to. He wishes her good luck and extends his deepest sympathies.

Josh

Josh met Jae way back in 2008 when they worked together doing desktop support. Initially Josh hated Jae, as he would frequently torture him. Josh was taped to his own chair, shot by Nerf darts, and made fun of for all the movies he’d never seen. Eventually Josh’s self confidence was broken down and the Stockholm syndrome set in. Their relationship reached a turning point when Josh traded Jae an Xbox in exchange for his friendship on Facebook, and their relationship has blossomed ever since.

Peter

A quantitative analysis of my relation to Jaeson and Jenny:

• On the day of their wedding, I will be 11.03% younger than Jaeson, and 3.30% older than Jenny.
• My name is 19.70% larger than Jaeson’s, and 10.82% smaller than Jenny’s (as determined by the decimal sum of ASCII characters on our respective birth certificates [excluding spaces]).
• On the Vernal and Autumnal Equinoxes, Jaeson and Jenny’s sun will rise 10.71% higher than mine.
• Jaeson and Jenny live 22.61% closer to the International Date Line than I do to the Prime Meridian.
• If/when the global ocean height begins to rise, my residence will flood 269.49% earlier than theirs.
• Jaeson and I have .05% more DNA in common with each other than we do with Jenny.
• I am a better son than Jaeson by 53.02% (as determined by proximity of residences to Clermont, FL where our parents live), and an infinitely worse daughter than Jenny (as determined by gender).
• I will be traveling 11491.13% farther to attend the wedding (measured as a state function).

Storm

Storm, Esq., is descended from a long and noble line of landed gentry back in his home country. He enjoys crumpets every morning with a good spot of tea usually flavored with the sweat and tears of the lower classes, and has been known to frequently engage in a cracking game of polo or “steal the bangers’n'mash right off the plates of poor people” as it’s colloquially known. Haha, bangers.
Storm has known Jae, or “Jason” as he likes to be called, for at least 2 months (it’s actually 16 years but my therapist says creating false memories will ease the pain), and in that time has greatly come to appreciate the fact that Jae moved farther away from him recently. He would also like to nominate Jenny for sainthood and does know a good therapist if she needs one, or maybe that’s a false memory I created. THE RAPIST INCEPTION. (Those spaces don’t look right….hrm).

All that aside, he’s very happy to be part of this wonderful event and looks forward to pouring a bucket of Gatorade over Jae’s head at the end of the ceremony because America. He also plans to drunkenly grab the microphone to give one of those uncomfortable “uh…who let him talk…oh god he’s not stopping…no no no not this story that’s not funny and we never told our parents about it…nice job putting tape over his mouth <best man>!” speeches, most likely during the first dance. Wait that bit was internal monologue Jae don’t put that on the webp-

Officiant

Russ

Dear Diary,

Russ is the descendant of men who built skyscrapers made of steel and roads for oil companies in Venezuelan jungles. He’s the living embodiment of the American promise of cheap labor, hard liquor, tobacco, firearms, and the right for women to vote on important topics of social consequence. Born in a remote village in Norway, he was raised by a pack of wild dogs. Early in his life he invented the clap light and several different cigar flavors. His most notable invention was the hair cutting vacuum which he still holds the patent for. His greatest social achievement is building a balsa wood structure that could hold more weight than a competing structure made by a Chinese team of experts in Denver. Legend has it he did things that made people’s lives different with some generic message about life being short which every person of conviction realizes as they get older. The rowers. They keep on rowing. Is it raining, is it snowing? There’s no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing or which way the river’s flowing.

Guitarist

Matt

Sir Matthew. He’s been around the world and has met everyone, from world-class athletes, knife fighting homeless people, volunteer doctors, to international “heavy industry” dealers. He’s chased down monkeys, had a knife fight with a shark, stared into a tiger’s eyes, and cut his way through jungles. There’s no sky too high nor sea too rough. In his time he has jumped out of planes and scuba dived his way through all four corners of the map. He’s a hard-bodied, beer drinking, book reading, bar fighting, heart breaking animal. He also enjoys knitting scarves with kittens on them.

Ring Bearer

Louie

Once a rough-and-tumble stray, Louie first came into Jaeson and Jenny’s life after neglecting to follow the biggest rule of street life.  Look both ways.

Having watched a car hit him and run, Jenny quickly donned her super suit and dashed across the road to rescue him.  While they were quick to adopt him and pay for his medical care, he couldn’t help but overhear their embarrassment for saving a Chihuahua.  From the day Louie was released from the vet, he fought to win the hearts and minds of the generous couple.  He very quickly learned of his mistake, and has since had to endure the torture of wearing Christmas sweaters, being stuffed into their shirts, and dancing against his will.  Now he dreams longingly for the day another careless driver sees fit to free him.